Editor's Commentary: No, I'm Not Married: The "Samantha Effect"

I don’t normally use FSB as a platform for personal items, but I had a rather unpleasant experience and it’s reached a level of cumulative discomfort where I feel it’s necessary to say something.

I attended an event recently where I came across a rather unpleasant woman who after meeting me for, oh, five minutes, inquired about my marital status. She, married with children and living in suburbia, upon discovering I wasn’t married and had no children, uttered the words that single women everywhere just looooove to hear: “How is it that you’re still single at your age?” and then proceeded to look at me with the incredulous, expectant crazy eyes I and my single sisters are used to seeing, accompanied by that smug smile that reeks of some level of internal satisfaction that comes from goodness-only-knows-where.

Author Helen Fielding of Bridget Jones fame commonly referred to these people as “smug marrieds” in her books. After suffering this foolish behavior for much, much too long, let me go ahead and say it loud and proud: I am very, very happy being single. I love that I can have company when I want it and silence when I don’t. I love that if I want to eat crackers naked in my living room during a True Blood marathon on HBO On Demand whilst blogging and drinking copious amounts of red wine, I can do it and no one can say anything about it. I don’t share my bathroom with anyone, my money is my own and so is my personal space. I love that I have the option to date hilarious, different men and enjoy a sex life that would make you completely uncomfortable on one level and envious beyond belief on another. If I get lonely, I go out. If I want silence, I turn everything off. I travel, I have friends, I have lovers, I have brunch, I shop and that existence is perfectly amazing and makes me really happy. I am living a life of my dreams right now and if someday I choose to have kids and get married, I can do that when I want. That's my choice.

Again, that’s saying that I want kids. I’m still not sure about that and given that this is the United States of America and I still have control over my reproductive rights, I have the choice to wait. My marital status is also within my control and the last I checked, there was no clock ticking over my head.


The argument that really makes me angry is the “you’re not getting any younger” argument. What an insane justification to put pressure on women to make two of the most important decisions of their entire lives. Putting undue pressure on someone to do something before your heart and soul are ready because your body might be aging is wrong, cruel and unjust. If I can’t have kids naturally without risk, there are millions of children in the foster care and adoption system who need people to love and care for them. The world needs good people to parent and as far as I’m concerned, biology has nothing to do with it.

So just because you couldn’t fathom doing what I’m doing doesn’t give you the right to ask questions or attempt to make me feel badly for my decision. I’m perfectly happy to hang out with my friends in New York City, write a fabulous fashion and beauty blog, date and travel. You should be perfectly happy with your life and your achievements and decisions as well. I have many friends who are mothers and I honor that commitment. They’re amazing people who have to care for the lives of the next generation and it’s not a small task. I should add that said friends who are moms respect my decision to be unmarried and childless. There’s room out here for all of us.

So the way I typically answer the question, “Why aren’t you married at your age?” is with the equally uncomfortable reply, “Because I’m not done having fabulous sex with random strangers yet.” It works for me.

Let’s all just get along, shall we?